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Anyone that knows me knows that I will question anything. Maybe it’s because I was brought up in a very religious jewish family and was sent to parochial school where we studied the Torah. “Why” was the word we used all day long. We turned things upside down and inside out. “Why did he do this?” ‘Why did they say it like that?” We left nothing unquestioned. We would dissect the meaning of the placement of a dot!

 

 

Or, maybe it was because I was brought up to be a good little girl and trust all that my mom said. The only problem was my mom lied A LOT. So I was in a bind. I could believe my mom, feel accepted and be turned against my own truth or confront her on her lies and feel the force of her anger and the cold air where her acceptance once warmed me.

I chose acceptance. As children we all choose acceptance over truth. We have to. We die without it.

 

I denied my own truths until I had no sense of myself left. That forced me to go on a journey of finding and expressing my personal truths — an exploration that I think is essential and is core to my work with my clients.

 

But before we speak our truths to others we have to admit them to ourselves in the sacred space of our being. if we can’t even utter them to ourselves we can never hope to be free.

 

I’ve been reading a book called “ The Singing Cure” by Paul Newham. I picked it up in hopes that it would help me strengthen my voice for songs that I’m planning to record. It made me think about something that I had never given a lot of thought to — that our voice’s original purpose was for creating sounds to express feelings and experiences.  I learned that the focus of the play in Greek theater was to show archetypical characters who’s function it was to elicit feelings that the audience could identify with. The idea was to get the audience aroused and have a cathartic release. The role of the Greek chorus was to intensify the potency of the characters. Experiencing theater was connected with emotional health and was considered therapeutic. The chorus’s sounds, encouraged the audience to express their forbidden and inexpressible feelings — what Jung, a colleague of Freud, called the “shadow” feelings.

 

The chorus made sounds, screeches, moans, sobs, and laughter.  They could never be exactly the same each time. There were no notes and no scales. 

 

Through time religion took over the function of the plays and the church began to create notes that were to be reached and repeated exactly. There was sounds that were vocal considered ‘beautiful” and sounds that were not considered beautiful were disdained. 

 

Where once voice was a precious vehicle of our being’s expression, our voice was made into something that had to fit into the cage of acceptability.

 

As I sat there reading I could feel how that was the very moment that our voice was contorted in upon itself.

 

What happens when our voice is taken?

 

One of the first times you see that in children is when they hide their face when they cry and keep sniffing back their tears. They’ve learned that letting people hear and see their authentic feeling is not oK. Little girls get messages that they aren’t “pretty” when they cry. Their voice has begun to be choked. In adults it shows up in self consciousness in sex and a fear to have full voiced orgasms because they may be too loud.

 

I could feel this article needed to be written but it wasn’t until I had a session with a new client of mine that I felt I couldn’t put it off any longer.

 

My client “ Melissa” is a sweet, somewhat timid and very pretty young woman who started seeing me for depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and blood sugar problems. She has had other therapies and years on medications and wasn’t getting better. “Melissa” has a tyrannical father who badgers, screams at and denigrates her since childhood. In our sessions we have addressed her fears of her father who she currently lives with. 

We had three sessions so far and she’s been feeling less fearful and getting out daily. Today in our session she said almost apologetically, “I was doing really well and then I regressed. My dad screamed in my face and for the first time I spoke up and while I was trying to speak he screamed and screamed into my face until I was crying”  Even though she sat there so calmly and her voice was sweet I got an intuitive hit that she hated her dad. 

I always reality test my intuition and asked. “Is it possible that you hate your dad?” 

“Oh” she said as she looked a bit uncomfortable. “I can’t say that.  He’s my dad. I love my dad and I respect him” I asked her if she had ever allowed her self to think that she might feel hate towards him.  She laughed uneasily and said she felt she couldn’t feel that. “Hate is such a bad word.  I love him” He’s my dad”. As if to say that since he was her father she was supposed to love him. 

I asked her if she met him on the street as a total stranger and he behaved as he does towards her would she love and feel respect for him.

She said “No.”

It wasn’t until I asked that that she realize she had never allowed herself to even entertain her true feelings for him. ” Yes. I guess it’s possible.” she said hesitantly.

What reinforced the truth of that was when we used EFT to clear any hate and disrespect she felt for him, she felt  like a weight had been lifted. “I feel so much lighter and the colors I see are brighter.” 

 

This is just one example of how we turn against ourselves by lying to ourselves to conform to rules that were created outside of us.

 

So here is my question.

Who says that just because someone is your parent you are supposed to feel love for them? Who says that if someone is your parent you are supposed to respect them? If  you meet a stranger you would expect them to earn that from you. Why is it any different for parents? And who says that you have to have love for your child? What if you don’t? Do you think that telling yourself that you love when you don’t makes it any less true.

You can’t be free with lies inside you. They may sound pretty but they’re poisonous.

When you want to get to truth you need to allow all its faces and sounds. 

 

I recently saw a move called “Sophie’s Choice.”

 Sophie was a nazi camp survivor who was given a choice about which child would die of her two children. She favored her son and chose him. Sadly he was killed as well,  but she killed herself inside for making the choice of favoring a child. Who says we are “ supposed” to love all of our children the same? It’s part of the human experince to resonate with one person and not as much with another. One form of resonance is called “love”. If she hadn’t condemned herself for that she could have forgiven herself more easily and moved on. 

 

I see the same thing in racism and classism. We  refuse to admit to our racist and classist feelings.

 

I know it’s not something that you’ re “supposed” to say in our society. I know that it may feel like its a horrible thing to feel but the fact is it’s a feeling. Feelings don’t ask for permission. They just are. Denying that we feel what we feel doesn’t make the feelings go away. It makes them a lie that shuts down our energy and gives us less space for healing. Only then can we move forward.

You deserve to have your true voice with all its notes. You deserve to have access to the full rage of all the highs and the lows of your emotional range. You don’t have to accept the constriction of your voice because society says so — your ethnic background says so — your religion says so. 

 

If you think about the bible the way I do. You’ll see that it teaches truths about our energetic being. Since the core of all the work I do comes from an appreciation of how our energetic being work I see the commandments as guidelines to keep us energetically healthy. 

 

It tells you to ‘honor” your mother and father. It doesn’t tell you to love or respect them. It says honor them as you would honor a stranger you meet in your day because they are a human being. Treating a person with disregard hurts you.

 

The bible says “Thou shalt not lie” — not because you’re a bad person if you lie, but because it twists your energy field out of alignment. You hurt yourself when you lie to others but you hurt yourself as much and maybe more when you lie to yourself about what you feel.

 

• Feelings are not right or wrong — they just are.
• Feelings don’t need permission to exist — they just do.
• Feelings have their own brilliant logic to them and if you follow where they are going they will ultimately bring you exactly where healing needs to happen. That in itself makes feelings perfect.

 

You may be in a relationship or situation where you are lying to yourself. If you have a hard time admitting to yourself what you feel about someone or something try this.

 

 

Find a time and place you won’t be disturbed.

Center yourself.

 

1. Image the person or situation.
2. Ask yourself “if I met this person on the street would I want to be their friend?”
3. What feelings would they bring up in me?
4. If I were to allow myself to have what I consider ugly feelings about this situation or person what would it/they be?

 

 

We are most deeply programmed from birth to seven years old. If you realize that in you’ve been censoring yourself it’s the child inside you that has learned how to lie to himself to be accepted. The price is too high.

 

1. Image that child in you that feels its not ok to have those feelings and give her permission to feel what she feels.
2. Tell her that you understand that it is uncomfortable and even painful to admit how she feels.
3. Tell him that it doesn’t make him bad for feeling that way. Feelings just are.
4. Be as supportive as you can.

 

 

 

Using EFT you can begin to create space for permission to have all your feelings.

Here is a general set up phrase to use.

Even though I feel uncomfortable about admitting I feel this way I deeply and completely accept myself.

 

Do as many rounds as you need until you feel more acceptance in you.

 

When we don’t allow ourselves to sing our truth as discordant as the sound may be to ourselves, then we rob ourselves of the flexibly to reach the sublime notes of our being as well.

 

When you are doing any of the exercises in this page take care of your comfort. If you find as you are tapping that you are being overwhelmed by feelings please stop and contact an EFT practitioner who has the skills and experience to guide you in the process safely.

 

As always all sounds are welcomed on my blog!

If you’d like to know more about my work visit http//:www.limitfreeself.com.

Shulamit